Dear Anita,

Thank you for your response! Yes and yes to what you wrote. I grew up in a tumultuous home with a lot of abuse (physical and verbal), where my Mom finally had the courage to leave when I was 12. I was always “the fixer”. After a fight, I’d come out and clean up the mess, and try to make my Mom feel better. I never really looked at it as guilt, but more the need for everyone around me to be alright.

And you are spot on with my husband’s constant finger pointing at me. No matter what happened, I was always at fault. I used to call our arguments mental gymnastics, because he’d spin and twist and turn everything to where I felt like I couldn’t formulate a thought at the end of it. Even if he blatantly did something, if I got upset, I was in the wrong for not supporting him and/or causing him to do it.

It’s been going on for so long (14 years total), that I guess it’s just going to take me some time to start seeing things more clearly. I am hoping that at least recognizing it is a good step. Thank you so much for your thoughtful response, as it does make sense to see it written out like that.