Dear ShesaRainbow:

I recently gained more insight into what you are experiencing as it happened in my life, and I would like to try to explain it to another for the first time:

When your parents fought and you were the child in that home, you didn’t have an identity yet, a “me”- as a young child there is no “me” only a “we”- a unit of identity, a fusion of identity: you, and your parents, maybe you and primarily the parent with whom you were closer. And so, when your parent was hurt, there was no distinction: it is my parent that is hurting, not me. It was: I am hurting. And when your parent caused a fight, there was no distinction as in: it is not me that caused the fight. It was: I caused the fight.

So it was: I am hurting. I caused the fight. And it follows: I need to fix it.

So this lacking of identity, natural for a child, an identity not formed yet, yet to be formed through what is appropriately called the Formative Years, continues into adulthood because it was not adequately formed in childhood. It cannot be adequately formed in childhood without the belief then that you, as a child, are safe.

And so, you get together with a finger pointer man- a perfect match. You are inclined to take the blame for what you are not responsible for and he is inclined to accommodate you. Or it can be said the other way around: you are inclined to take the blame and he is more than willing to accommodate you.

This is what happened with me. My advice at this point is to stay away from people inclined to point the finger at another. This is a match made in hell. I would not interact with a person so inclined, not in the context of family, friend or a mate.

And then through psychotherapy, with a competent, caring therapist, you can get insight and over time complete that forming of a separate identity. Within the SAFETY (a must have requirement for this forming) of therapy, you become you, a separate identity and then your thinking will make sense, that is what you now know intellectually, rationally (that you are not responsible for your husband behavior), you will know emotionally (as in: my goodness, I REALLY am not responsible for his behavior!)

Please post here on your thread anytime and I will reply, any time you need feedback, input and/ or encouragement.

anita