Hi Sean,

I would like to give you a big hug. I’m really sorry that you have to go through this. I have read what you wrote, all the replies that you received (I’m so glad that there are many people out there willing to help) and I’ll try my best to give you my opinion (I apologise in advance, English is not my first language ^^’).

First of all I want to make something clear: you do not deserve all the pain and all the hurting your ex is giving you. And rest assured, your kid and her daughter do not deserve it either. NONE OF YOU DESERVE VIOLENCE <– I’m not yelling, I’m trying to be clear, just in case some part of you (even if it is a really tiny part) thinks that somehow you deserve this. Violent and manipulative people have this kind of special ability to make us believe their actions are our fault. It is not. As Anita said, blaming the victim is part of the abuse. Your ex is an adult and as an adult she’s responsible of her own actions. Period.

Second, this has to stop. We have the life of 2 kids in danger here. Please, realize this. This violence must stop now, for the sake of the three of you. I don’t know, look yourself at the mirror and say “No more. These kids and I deserve better” over and over again or something. Believe it, this belief will give you the strength to make it happen. Is it going to be difficult? yes. Will you reach a point where you think you can’t keep going? probably. Will it be worth it? HELL YEAH. Just imagine this: you, your boy and the young girl at a park, playing around, they are laughing and just by looking at them it makes you laugh too. Then you go for something delicious to eat and talk about everything and nothing, enjoying each other company. Does it sound like something you would like for your family? Then make it happen.

Right now you have an incredible opportunity in front of you. You decided to speak up. You know there’s something wrong. That is a huge first step. Many people live their whole lives without realizing they are being abused, some of them realize this but do nothing about it. But not you. After years of this abuse, something in you woke up and said “this is not how it is supposed to be”. I want to give you a bear hug and a pat on your back because you are in the right path. Now, you are ready to take action. You MUST take action.

You said you didn’t want to go back into court. May I ask why did you go there last time? Because I really think you need to go back, this time, to ask for full custody of your child. His rights as a child are being abused and his childhood will be destroyed by his mother at this rate. After all, you said it yourself “he’s worth any effort”. I know court is a horrible place, and the legal processes are usually dreadful, but when you succeed, nothing will beat the happiness and relief you’ll feel when you have your son safely with you. You said that staying away and giving him everything you can is the best for him. Sorry but I disagree. He needs you to save him from that toxic environment where he’s growing up. He needs you to love him and to raise him in an environment full of love and peace where he can grow up happy and healthy. That’s the best for him.

And please PLEASE, do your best to save her daughter too. Do not forget about her. I’m not surprised that her mom turned her against you. We already established that she can manipulate everyone as she pleases. Besides, no one wants to think their mother is an abusive person, it is easier to think that someone else make her behave like that instead of facing the truth. That girl is as inocent as your son and the saddest part is that her parents are not taking care of her. Does she even know who her father is? Does he care about her? She may be scared because she thinks she only has her mother. If you can’t have her custody, at least talk to your ex’s family and see if someone is willing to take care of her. Do not give up on her, please.

You said “there are two sides to every story”. From this I feel like you still love your ex and you try to see things from her perspective too because it is hard to admit that someone you love (and supposedly loves you back) is hurting you on purpose. I’m going to be honest here (not like I haven’t been honest before but, I’ll be particularly honest here): I have never been in love before, so it is kind of difficult for me to grasp the idea of staying with someone who is hurting you so much when there are no ties holding you back (actually, I remember many times when I wished that the pain I received was from a partner because in that case I could just break up, walk away and never see them again). But romantic love isn’t the only kind of love, right? And of course there are people I love, so I can relate at some point with you. Sometimes, people you love and trust hurt you and you think: “Why would they do that? I must have done something wrong because they love me and they wouldn’t hurt me on purpose”. And so we try to rationalize their behaviour.

I would say that your ex’s side of the story is that she is deeply hurt. You may not know the reasons and maybe never will. She is not okay. She needs help and I feel like you are willing to help her because you love her, that’s what we do when someone we love is in troubles: we do our best to help them. But sadly it is not your help what she needs. This goes beyond what you can do and please don’t feel guilty because of this, it is not your fault. She needs specialized help. I think this is what victoria55 was trying to say (if not, I apologise.) Detachment is not the same as “switch off feelings”. I have little knowledge on this kind of disorders, but understanding how it works might be the key for you to stop feeling guilty and stop rationalizing her behaviour.

Also, notice that this story doesn’t have two sides. It has at least 4 sides, because you have your side, her side, your son’s side and her daughter’s side. I don’t think any “side” is better than the other. It is time to stop choosing sides and take action to end this violent cycle of abuse.

You are an adult, you have shown strength when you decided to speak up (even if you feel weak), you are stonger than you think. You can save the kids and yourself, Sean. With time and help (you all are going to need it) you can heal.

I wish you the all the best in this!