Hi Anita thank you for your response. How do I begin to deal with the distress properly? i want to get to that point where you say i can remember the incident and still have peace of mind. I have read a lot in the last month that people who are kissed/touched/raped without their consent for some crazy reason tend to blame themselves, which I know I am doing, I am constantly shaming myself, and generally being pretty nasty about myself.

Because i have this belief system that i should behave in the perfect way all the time and relationships should be a certain way – that you have to tell your partner everything for the love to be true, because in my head if i act that way that will mean that everyone else will have to treat me the same… when really deep down i know that is not the case. I think these high standards/ beliefs come from my upbringing to be honest. My dad was an adulterous, drug taking, fraudulent, lying, aggresive & deadbeat father; and in my mind to be the polar opposite of him, I have to live by these standards i have set for myself and if i don’t meet them I feel like a total failure. I dont want this to affect my relationship, i will be damned if that nasty piece of work destroys it on top of everything else he has already done.