I have a business trip this week that’s a four-hour one-way drive. Down to the state capital. Kind of a bit nervous, for the first time I am asking myself the question: what if I don’t want to come back? But, then I ask myself if that would just be foolishness. I make about 75% more per year than a comparable position down there.

Also just incredibly tired. Joyless times are miserable. I wish I could sincerely believe that there was somebody for me. I need to get better at positive expectations, but I run into what appears to be reality. When things were going well with that gal, I felt better than I have in years, hell decades.

Working on how to market stability, loyalty, and fidelity into a sellable package. Also working on figuring out how to show my soft side without looking stupid, desperate, etc.

I have a strong tendency to be negative and am working on curbing that too. That is probably not conducive to relationships. Being exposed daily from multiple sources doesn’t particularly help.

One thing I can’t figure out is why has stuff in general gone to hell in a handbasket since I tried to help my mother out with housing? Get up in the morning to some negative comment about the news, sometimes get hit with negative comments about stuff when I get home. Get crap about how men suck, etc. at times too. Feel like I have an albatross around my neck and not sure how to get rid of it. Every aspect of life has gotten worse, even things that shouldn’t be that connected such as finances. People think strangely if you live with parents at middle age, probably not a seller in the dating market. Add to that being single, and having a firearm collection, and, well, yeah… Not really socially acceptable to toss her out either. Maybe I should move, would suck financially though. So, really feeling stuck by my own stupidity of believing that somehow something would actually get done.