Dear rainbowmystica:

You are very welcome.

Regarding your “I think I fear being normal” possibility- it makes sense to me this way: being aware of your fear is scary. So you dissociate- remove as much of your awareness from the fear. To be present in your life is to be aware. When you dissociate you are not present in your life, or more exactly: very little present. Being present feels normal. Being dissociated, that is, not being present (being absent) feels abnormal.

So yes, you fear being present, because if you are present- and not distracted by a movie or such- then you will be aware of your fear and it is indeed scary to be aware of fear and hurt and other distressing emotions.

You fear the part of normal that is being aware of your strong, distressing emotions. This is why in therapy, the competent therapist will teach you how to … regulate your emotions, decrease the intensity so that it won’t be too threatening to stay present.

Regarding your story: I wonder what attracted you to the Industrial Revolution, to Western Germany (do you live there?) and the main character being a young man who is gay as opposed to a young woman. (When I tried to write stories myself- never completed- I chose male main characters myself).

anita