Dear Ben:

The creative part of you suffers when the job is monotonous (99% of the time, you wrote). Unfortunately, the creative part of you suffers when you do have a creative assignment in front of you (1% f the time) because the Bully part of you, is active when the job is creative: you inner-bully is beating on the creative part of you.

This is a no-win situation: you are unhappy whether the job is monotonous or creative. This is why the answer, I believe, is not in having a different job. Some jobs will be more unpleasant than others, but the problem is that inner bully.

You detailed your thinking. I will quote what you wrote and follow with paraphrasing the message behind the thought, the message the bully is expressing to you:

* “This person is paying me for my time or people are counting on me”
Bully: “You, Ben, are not worth their money and their trust and they are going to realize it any moment now: watch out- any moment now and you will be found out for being unworthy and unreliable.
* “but as this is a creative work and there is no right or wrong how do I know what will look good or what they will like?”
* Bully: You can’t do it right- you will be doing it wrong! And they will not like it, you will see!
“They must be wondering why I am taking so long”
Bully: you are too slow (and…too slow doing it the wrong way)!
* “I am embarrassed that I need to research techniques (mainly digital work) before I start work like I can’t do work on my own or like I feel I should know or be able to work this stuff out and because of this like I am a fraud”
Bully: Shame on you, Ben! You shouldn’t be researching! You should be able to do this on your own! You are a fraud!
* “I always feel inferior and like I am just making it up as I go along and that any moment people will realise that although my title is artworker and artist I am not an artist and in fact have never really liked ‘art’.”
Bully: You, Ben, you are inferior! You are just making it up as you go along, you don’t know what you are doing (doing it wrong and taking too much time doing it), and you are not a real artist, your title is not fooling them. Anytime now, they will find out you are a fraud!

So, with this Bully, life is almost impossible. You muscle through, do your best, but the bully is producing this heavy duty friction that acts against you moving forward. That friction harms your creativity at home and during the 1% at work. This friction also creates so much distress that it harms your health.

If you agree, and if there is something new to you in my analysis, let me know and we can continue to communicate about … the answer, the solution.

anita