Hi all. I am sorry to hear of all the pain that has resulted. I know it well and have been there myself. I have just a few things to add and I hope that they help in some small way.

First- please don’t ruminate on the past. What happened hurt. It was shocking. It is easy to blame yourself or point fingers or wonder what might have been. Living in the past means your eyes are looking in the rear view…and you’re going to miss what is standing in front of you. Visit the past on occasion if you must. Learn from it. See it from a different angle. Then come back to the present.

Second- it didn’t work out and that is a result of two people. Don’t blame yourself. Instead, figure out why it went wrong and have gratitude for what was and for the fact that it ended when it did. I know that sounds strange and I do not intend for that to sounds harsh. If it ended after years of marriage, shared money and assets, a house, kids, etc, it would be a loss on another level. If the person was not ready, due to their own reasons, then as much as it hurts, it is better to find out now.

Third- I went through two devastating break-ups in my life. After the first, I literally walked 4-7 miles a day for 2 years. Rain, snow or shine. One day, I saw her again as our best friends had married and we were both in the wedding party. For 2 years I did not sleep through the night and all I wanted was to get back together with her. After the wedding we met for dinner and we talked at my apartment afterward. I said things I needed to say for 2 years and I heard things I needed to hear. As she drove off, I vividly recall some 15 years later, I watched the red of her tail lights and felt all of the stress and weight melt off of me. It was surreal. As the lights faded down the road, I said “goodbye” and knew that it was over. Two weeks later she expressed an interest in getting back together and I was not interested. Why? Because I said what I needed to say, heard what I needed to hear. If you need closure- write a letter. Have a conversation in your mind. Write everything that comes out- unfiltered- and then delete it or save it as a draft. But get it all out, that is the key.

Fourth- ask yourself “what is really hurting me?”, then write out the reply, unfiltered. You may be surprised at what you find and you may be surprised to see the direction it takes you.

I met my wife 10-months after my last break-up. I got involved with a sweet girl, but I ignored all of the red flags that were hoisted- clear signs that we were not meant to be. But I really wanted that to work!! Looking back, I tried to force something and that is not going to result in something good. I immediately went back into therapy and worked on myself. I figured out why I am the way I am. I uncovered what I really wanted. I got my “picker” adjusted, got my thoughts and priorities set and met the woman who is now my wife and the mother of my two beautiful, amazing children. My life is not perfect- but its perfect for me. I shudder to think of the “solution” that crossed my mind as I was stuck in another “failure” and didn’t want to feel that pain again. In reality it wasn’t a failure at all. It was an express elevator to one of the greatest successes of my life. To the best relationship I have ever had. Always remember- things do happen for a reason. If you take the time to get to now yourself and resolve any loose ends inside, you WILL come out of this stronger and better than before. It will take some time and the sooner you choose to better yourself, live in the moments and be happy, the sooner you’re going to find out what comes next. Best wishes to you!