Hi Anita, just saw your new reply here..hmm I guess I have to think about this. It is true that we were closer when my dad was abusive, there were lots of chances for “grand gestures” in terms of protecting each other and that made us value our relationship and there was a lot of mutual gratitude. Even while she was angry recently if I made a “grand gesture” move it would improve things for a day or two.
I think it has been two years now since my dad has stopped being abusive completely, even though it has been slowing for a while. Her anger has present for the past few months and wasn’t there before that (or it wasn’t a pattern that I could pick up on).
Something did happen in December. Arranged marriages are part of my culture, and there was an interest shown in me from a guy’s family. I did not say no, but did lay the condition that I wanted to talk to him before deciding. My mom initially did not respond to this either positively or negatively. She appeared to accept it as was. My dad , I believe, has problems with the thought of me leaving home. He has sabotaged university choices that would involve me leaving home (by refusing to send documents that the uni required) and does use emotional black mail if I have a work trip. He put his foot down and absolutely refused to consider the proposal (which I was secretly relieved by. Based on surface impressions I am pretty certain my answer would have been a no. I am also not mentally ready or willing to get married right now). My aunt who did talk to my mum about this, thought it was unreasonable of me to ask to speak to the guy. The end result was that my mum laid the blame for the situation not working out on me, even though I was willing to at least explore the option, with reservations.I had also expressed concern because the guy was settled in a different country, and I do not think I can move away permanently as it is very clear to me that my parents need me to be present in the city at least. This caused a lot of defensiveness from my relatives.When I made career decisions based on this everyone was fine however.
I was very confused about what was happening during this entire incident, there was a lot of deception and manipulation and I’m not sure what anybody wanted at all at this point. By the end of it, I got the feeling my mum wanted me to say yes immediately and get married, which is not what she had expressed initially.
I wondered if there was residual resentment from this episode that maybe resurfaced when she wasn’t happy. Around 10 years ago, she went though a similar period of anger with me. At that point I was young, she was the one who dropped me and picked me from school and extra curricular activities, and she was depressed, so she found the routine overwhelming I think. I did not realize she was depressed, our GP did and started her on her anti depressants, after which her lethargy and anger both resolved.
I am sorry for the information over load! There are just so many circumstances which seemed relevant!
Thanks and love, Anita, and thanks for giving me the opportunity to bring all of this to the surface.
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