“There are behaviors out there that in comparison to what you know will please you to no end, fill you with awe, as in: I had no idea a man can be so decent and loving, angry at times but never abusive…” that phrase made me burst into tears. I have learned something fundamental about myself through that reaction – I have never really considered a completely abusive free relationship as a reality. I dont even know if I have believed it actually exists for anyone, never mind just me.

My mother was abusive – both physically and emotionally to me as I grew up, my father was emotionally abusive to me as an adult (didnt know him when i was growing up). I can now see that all of my close relationships have been abusive (not friendships though, thankfully). I think I have uncovered a truth about myself – I have been taught to believe I am valueless and I have lived my whole life that way, allowing others to treat me badly. I think that was what inky was meaning re ‘digging deeper…’.

I wonder how I readjust a whole lifetimes training? How do I develop value in myself?