Dear fmck32:

I like your realization, realizing something true is an important step in healing. The more we see of what is true, the healthier we are.

As to your last line: “I wonder how I readjust a whole lifetimes training? How do I develop value in myself?”

I learned that a person (I’ll use “you” here) can’t develop value in yourself all by yourself, in the context of a social vacuum. As social animals, the context has to be a relationship with another person. In other words, you can’t do it alone.

It is like a person looking for a job and being told: you need experience doing this kind of job in order to get this job. The applicant is frustrated: how can I get experience if I don’t get a job to begin with?

Same here. You need the experience of being valued by another in order to internalize that value and trust it. This can be gotten from a competent, caring psychotherapist. Or by another person who is… caring and capable of being caring, that is not someone with anger circulating in their brain, ready to relieve themselves at any time by attacking another. Someone who is able to notice when they get angry, evaluate the situation and make a thoughtful choice about their behavior (take a walk, a hot bath, then figure out what the real problem is and how to solve it by interacting with the other person with EAR: Empathetically, Assertively and Respectfully; a Win-Win interaction).

Pay attention to the relationships you are currently having- notice the empathy, the assertiveness, the respect- these necessary ingredients. Carry on the relationships with these ingredients and you will develop or continue to develop value in yourself. Abandon relationships that don’t have at the least Respect.

Look for new relationships with these three ingredients, study the person: how does he deal with anger? Is he empathetic to me? Is he assertive (a passive person is likely to explode with anger following a period of lack of assertiveness)? Is he respectful? Take time to study a person and the nature of the relationship. Be those things (EAR) yourself. Don’t jump into a relationship, take it slow so to study, learn, evaluate.

Post again, anytime.

anita