Dear fmck32:
Let me first say I feel your pain. No, really, I know that pain because I have lived it from a childhood of physical, emotional, and sexual abuse to an overly critical, controling, mean spirited, insecure alcoholic husband that could not keep his pants zipped. We hit adulthood and adult relationships so ill equipped to know what one was, much less, how to maintain and function in a positive, loving, relationship we gravitate to what we know . . . dysfunction. Oh honey, it happens a little bit and piece at a time the giving up, the believing what we are told . . . no I am going to go so far as to say beat into our psyche that we are worthless, stupid, cannot do one single thing right. That no one wants us and we are lucky to even be treated this way and that our friends and family feel the same way about us too as he continues to isolate you and chip, chip chip away until one day you know here, THIS, is costing you your sanity so it is jump off the cliff into the unknown(which most of us fear more than the abuse because it is known) or without a doubt lose your sanity. I call it ‘Gaslighting’ after the old black and white movie of the same name(well without the ing)staring Ingrid Bergman and Charles Boyer. You will be amazed at how soon you will start to feel the weight start to lift off your soul and you wonder and ask yourself WHAT TOOK ME SO LONG. Seek out old positive friendships or dip your toes into the waters of new positive healthy relationships. You will soon start to realize, hey wait a minute here just statistically speaking 100% of everything I am or did cannot be wrong. Do things to build yourself up, help others, believe in you again, realize while some choices we made in life got us into that dark place we do not have to stay there nor do we have to make the same mistakes . . . and end up back but with a different set of players. Trust me, I have taken my clothes off and stood naked looking in the bathroom mirror trying to find just exactly where WELCOME was stamped on me because it felt like it was neon and every selfish user in the world could smell me coming and see the neon welcome mat. I by no means have the answers and I by no means have resolved all my issues but I do know that if it comes down to being in no relationship and treating myself right or going back to being in a relationship and not quote unquote being alone but being miserable in every fiber of my being . . . Yes party of one please. I struggle with learning to live in the now making the conscious choice not to let my past define me and turn loose of all my pain, anger and resentment instead of wearing it like a red badge of courage or the patient ID at the local mental institution.