Dear Jessica:

In the beginning of your original post you wrote: “We are like twins, with how much we have in common and even our values as well, it’s like I have found my other half, and he also thinks the same.” Toward the end of the post you wrote: “If I ever bring up something that I’m unhappy about or something that bothers me, he gets mad and tries to end the conversation. He will never apologies for any of it, then act as if nothing was said or happened.” So, the two of you are not like twins, am I correct? You value sharing when unhappy about something and he doesn’t; you value taking responsibility and apologizing when appropriate, and he doesn’t…?

This is an interesting dynamic that you described here and I would like to understand it better. He said from the get go that he doesn’t want a girlfriend and still doesn’t. You agreed to be friends-with-benefits and to date others: you have and he hasn’t. He keeps bringing up his ex girlfriends, referring to them sexually, while you don’t do that and feel (understandably) offended by his sexual talk about his exes. You tried to give him space but he clings to you.

I am thinking what motivates him are two things: the need for a girlfriend and the fear of it not working out. So he is having you as his girlfriend without calling it so. This accomplishes reducing his anxiety about having a girlfriend AND it not working out. Maybe he brings up his ex girlfriends – not intentionally so, but to express his fear of a closeness terminated. He is telling you how wonderful it was … and then it didn’t work out. Stress on the second part.

What do you think?

anita