Dear kiki2414:

Sounds like he is throwing a temper tantrum once in a while, releasing steam. The reason there is no improvement in this regard is that these are temper tantrums, not discussion, not two sided communication sessions.

My understanding is that he is having difficulty being assertive. Him being the only child, unfortunately, did not mean that he got to do what he wanted to do, but that he tried to hard to please his mother &/ or his father. In his case, his childhood was such that he denied his own needs and wants so to please his parent/s.

And so he is continuing to deny his needs and wants, and he can endure it because it means he is getting along and things are going well, until his repeating small scale frustrations about giving in so to please others, adds up to a big enough frustration, big enough to lead to a temper tantrum, an explosion of sorts.

So, I think that he is enjoying his involvement with you and your family, getting his positive payoff in spite of his small frustrations throughout the time. Problem is eventually these add up to a great enough distress that he needs to release it.

Solution is for him to learn to assert himself, to specify his needs and wants along the way- to avoid the small frustrations and so to avoid the adding up of those into a bigger frustration and a tantrum.

It is not easy to do so. One of the things he expressed to you is that he is afraid you will be angry at him: “If I do anything other than what you expect, “you’re angry” or “I’ll get in trouble”- when he tells you that, he is talking to one of his parents, probably his mother. He is projecting his mother into you. This sentence is telling- that as a child, to avoid his mother’s anger at him, to avoid getting in trouble with her, he … had to do what she wanted him to do.

And even though you are not his mother, and you don’t force him to do things, he FEELS that if he doesn’t, he’ll get in trouble with you.

Psychotherapy with a competent therapist to process his troubled relationship with his mother (and/ or father, main caretaker) will help him a whole lot. It really is sad, isn’t it, how troubled his childhood was, how demanding his mother was and how he still pays the price (and occasionally makes you pay as well)>

What do you think?

anita