Dear kiki2414:

Your relationship with him has to be a Win for you, and a Win-Win to the two of you. If it is a lose for you, if you are drained and your career and/ or your parenting of your children suffer as a result of the relationship with him, then the relationship should drastically change or end.

Couple therapy, if he can afford it, can help a whole lot. In such, a competent therapist can teach him right there and then to assert himself with you. He can learn this new skill. It is not too late for him. I learned this in my first competent therapy (Couple) five years ago and I am still working on it, asserting myself. I am intelligent too, like your boyfriend, and it is very difficult when submission to a parent is so well ingrained.

You wrote that in his past he had things on his own terms, you mean in other relationships? I don’t know what “on his own terms” means, but he was not assertive with other women, I don’t believe, at least not if he was emotionally attached to them. There is this fear fueling the reluctance to assert, the fear of punishment, of withdrawal of affection, of disapproval- recorded in a person neural pathways and that is very powerful.

He will need to feel safe with you in order to assert himself. You will need to afford him lots of empathy and patience if this is to succeed. You sound like a very intelligent, reasonable woman and he is very fortunate, it seems to me, to have you in his life. Unfortunately, your reservoir of energy is not unlimited, so he has to exercise assertiveness no matter how difficult it is for him, so not to lose him.

Again, couple therapy would be perfect, “Couple” so that he can exercise assertiveness with you under the supervision and guidance of a competent therapist.

Hope you post again anytime, and with any developments.

anita