Dear Jessica:

What you have with this guy is a relationship because you are relating to each other; you are having physical intimacy- that is a whole lot of relating (relating is the verb in “relationship”)- only the kind of relationship it is – is not satisfactory to you. I too wouldn’t be satisfied to be with a man who wants me to be with other men. In fact I wouldn’t have that relationship.

Did you ask him WHY he wants you to be with other men? Do you know what motivates him to push you to date other men?

You are wise to be as calm as you can be with him: our best thinking is done when we are calm. You being inexperienced in relationships with men is not necessarily a bad thing. If a woman has a lot of experience in bad relationships, inclining to repeat, to have more and more destructive relating then having no experience is better than having that experience!

You and him are not twins. You have things in common and things uncommon. I am glad he is a bit flexible, more so than I assumed. You expressing your feelings to him like you have (as described in your last post) is a very good thing. Pay attention to how he treats you and make sure you do not tolerate abuse/ mistreatment. When he says: “End of discussion!” – that’s mistreatment (except if your part of the “discussion” was calling him names and mistreating him!) If you are expressing to him your hurt and he says “End of discussion”- that’s disrespectful. Don’t tolerate that.

As the inexperienced woman that you are in relationships, please follow number one rule: do not tolerate disrespect/ mistreatment/ abuse. If he can’t and won’t talk to you respectfully- and after you explained that to him- remove yourself from him.

You also have the right to negotiate the terms of the relationship. You feel badly about the two of you not having dates, about him talking about his exes, about him pushing you to be with other men; if you want a monogamous, dating relationship- tell him al that and negotiate: is he willing to change this or that? Are you willing to accept this or that? You must be okay with the terms of the relationship so it is satisfactory to the two of you. Please post again, especially if you have interesting conversations with him…

anita