If psychotherapy is talking to a doctor about what was going in my life, Yes, I went for about 8 months when I was 20 but I don’t believe it helped me, I only saw the doctor as someone I would complain to for about a hour every 2 weeks and every time I moved my lips she would take quick glances at the clock. I don’t think I ever received advice from that experience that has helped me because anything that I used to helped me from that time was information and stuff I had to figure out on my own. It’s not possible at the moment for me to speak to someone else and I don’t know if it would really help me to do so.

It’s not that I tried to avoid conflict with her but when it came we just got over it, We did have our little fights but they were just so little and even now I see her kissing that guy as something little, as something that can be gotten over. I feel that I’m more hurt by her actions, the pushing me out of her life, not speaking, not texting me but wanting to keep me as a friend so to speak so you leave me as a friend on our little game app thing. The saddest part is I’ve never been the person that’s being chosen or being looked at like I’m theirs and that really is a punch to the gut for her to do it and then walk away from me like I was nothing. I don’t understand how she can say she loves me, that I don’t deserve what she did but then leave me like it would make the situation or me any better and I don’t know how to deal with anything that’s going on in my life right now without referring to her in my mind. I think we may have gotten into 4 or 5 arguments or conflicts during our relationship and each time we were just sad that we hurt each other, We would take a few hours to ourselves and by the end of the night or the next day we would be back with each other laughing at what happened.

When we first got together and started talking about becoming boyfriend/girlfriend before the “I love yous” We talked about how we didn’t want to become our parents, How we didn’t want to hate each other after a few years. Her dad was abusive and her mom, coincidentally a week before our break up came out to her and said that she didn’t love her stepdad and that she was still in love with her ex husband. I don’t know if this and the fact that she kissed someone that she used to have feelings for is clouding her emotions and the way shes thinking but I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I don’t think it’s fair for me to be treated like this, the way shes treated me and the treatment that I’m doing to myself, I just feel so powerless to leave my relationship with someone that I really do love and care for to faith or chance or whatever it is that can put us together again. I just keep thinking of closure you know, I didn’t indulge in the illegal use of a plant to put myself to sleep for the first time in a long time recently and that’s what I dreamed of. The night before the break up, I did indulge, and I remember looking up at the moon and just staring and all of a sudden I saw two moons, I didn’t give it any thought and now I look up at the sky and I don’t even see a moon anymore. Now all I can think about is how can I let myself go to Florida and not see her, Even if we don’t get back together on some level, How can I allow myself to move to where someone I love is and not even see them?