Dear shanola:

I re-read most of your posts. Following my first post to you, you wrote that you felt that portrayed the girl as a victim, and you- as someone who did something wrong in the relationship. This is not the case. I don’t believe she was a victim or the person in the right and that you were in the wrong, not at all. I didn’t mean it in my first post to you and I don’t believe it after reading the rest.

I think her mother telling her she is still in love with her ex and not with her step father is troublesome to your ex girlfriend, especially being only 18. Her chaotic family life played a huge part in her behavior with you. It is likely that she is afraid of trusting anyone and pushed you away to avoid feeling the pain she imagined she will end up feeling. Her troubles, unfortunately for her, will follow her for years to come, in relationships and interactions with other men. And so, the ending of her relationship with you has very little to do with you and a whole lot to do with her family experience.

Just like your relationships, in the past and future will have a whole lot to do with your family experience. Without insight and healing from the chaos and fighting in your family, your future relationships are likely to suffer. Basically you bring sickness from your family life to a new relationship and the girl brings her own… and so, the relationship is mostly about each other’s past.

I think it will be good for you to move away from your family, all of them. I wish it wasn’t to Florida, an hour away from this girl though. But moving away will be good for you as a starting point of healing. If you could have psychotherapy with a competent, caring therapist while living away (no cost or low cost or somehow subsidized, as needed) – will be excellent.

In my first post to you on this thread I wrote that Something-was-happening and you pretended it was not. I still believe it, and again, not at all suggesting you are at fault, only that if you keep your eyes and ears open you will be in a better position. But keeping eyes and ears open, detecting new information and evaluating it may be possible only following some good therapy.

What do you think so far?

anita