Dear analisa:

I am so sorry for your son Sage, for the pain he experienced in his young life. And I am sorry for your pain, it being so hard for you to breathe. How do you breathe when you lose a son?

I remember … I was in my forties and very miserable. I had a roommate who was a heroine addict and an avid use of drugs of all kinds. He was on methadone treatment for his heroine addiction and shared some of it with me, red juice in small cups. He told me how much I can drink and still be safe. As you know heroine and methadone slow down the breathing and on occasion stops it altogether, resulting in death. So I drank that red, fruit flavored juice.

I couldn’t believe it- I couldn’t and still find it amazing, how good I felt. I didn’t know up to that point that it was at all possible to feel that good, not even close. And the good feeling lasted and lasted. I didn’t want to fall asleep at night so to not miss that feeling. There was absolutely no negative thought in my brain, not a split second of distress of any kind: ALL was good.

So when the affect finally died down, I was more than glad to drink of it some more, and again, it felt wonderful. After a few more times, it was no longer good. I felt sick, like I wanted to throw up. Eventually I moved out, lost my methadone source and like I wrote, I lost my motivation to get more because it made me sick.

I suppose that call you got that night wasn’t the first call you got about your son using. You were probably not so alarmed as to drive there to be with him because what happened that night happened many times before, him using, that is, many times in the last six years or so. So you get used to it, over time, less alarmed.

Please do post again, do share how you feel; what you think. I will read every time and respond. I am so sorry that you are hurting, understandably. You are hurting for losing Sage.

anita