They say that loosing a child is one of the hardest thing any human being can face. There are no words of comfort anyone can give that can make things bit better in the beginning. And july 11 was just a week ago. I believe that a part of you is still in denial and not aware what have happened and how it did, you are still lost in that warp that tells you over and over again you could have done something… It’s normal. My father died young from cancer, and my grandparents kept repeating ‘how couldn’t we notice something was wrong before it was too late’. My mother, my uncle too.. For months. And after that, they kept with pointing fingers at each other … ‘how couldn’t YOU notice something was wrong, till we could have save him! ‘ I think that in the beginning it was just to difficult to accept the fact that he is gone, and there was NOTHING we could have done to prevent it. Blame, self-blame… anything was better than acceptance. We all loved him to the moon and back, he kept the family together, made us all laugh.

Deep down in your heart you know that you did your best, you loved him as much as a parent can love a child. It was not your fault, you did your part the best way you could, but unfortunately it takes much more than your full effort. You couldn’t have fought the fight for him, only he was able to that. And you gave him the best ‘weapon’ possible – your support, your love, the clinic… If you came that night, are you sure that it would have been the only night? Are you sure that you’d be able to identify 24/7 that he is in life danger, and to ‘fly’ anytime from anywhere to save him? You know that is not possible to save someone like this, as much as you wish it is…

I advice you to seek love and support and comfort with someone close and dear, do not stay alone with your pain for now. You can try going to a psychologist that will help you deal with the grief, or a priest if you are religious (we found our biggest comfort here at the time). But whatever you do, I promise that only time will be the ultimate healer. Almost 20 years have passed since the death of my father, and now in our hearts are just the fond memories of the amazing being he was. I decided to honor his short but wonderful existence in my life by living the way he would have wanted me to.

Your son knew what he was doing, and I am sure he wouldn’t have wanted for you to blame yourself for his actions and the consequences. I am sure that if there was a way he could reach out to you now, he’d say that and thank you for all you’ve done.

Stay strong, and take one day at a time. Things will get better, I promise.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 4 months ago by Maria_L.