Well, part of it is that she has decided to stay with her current job despite hating it(which could be a conflict). Pay and benefits apparently too good to pass up. The more I think of it, the more I think she wants to go back home. Did pick up that she thinks the area out here is backward and not as sophisticated as back home.

As much as I would have loved to have her as a part of my life, I am not really seeing that happening. In a way, mad at myself for thinking that it might work after having given her time.

Wondering if I didn’t fall in love with the idea of her instead of her.

At first, I felt anger toward her. Now, I kind of feel sadness for her. Sort of like watching a lost soul wandering, I know, I have been there. I know it sounds silly, but this was the first time I have ever had that kind of emotional connection to someone.

Maybe it was partly my fault. I have this reputation for machine-like resilience. When my father died, i did not take any time from work to grieve, only to go and take care of the legal arraignments, etc. I don’t show many emotions of sadness, joy, etc. If you were to look at my face, you would nearly always see a similar expression. Hostility toward the opposition would probably come the closest to being the emotion showed. I have had people say that I never smile, not sure if I am even capable of it. Usually wear a grave expression uniformly.

As I am typing this, sitting and listening to Shostakovich’s Fifth Symphony by the Bavarian Radio Symphony. Seemingly fitting piece full of tortured angst and pathos.

So, at the end of the day, back to being where I was and figuring out how to get my house back to myself.

Amazing how one series of interactions with one person can elicit such a range of emotions and feelings. Sometimes wonder if I would have been better off just putting up with the dull pain of loneliness that I am now back to.