Dear XenopusTex:

It makes logical and emotional sense to reject the yo-yo’ing dynamic you experienced with her, to reject a future with same. It is simply not healthy for you, or for anyone. I agree: she chose what she chose, and so, it is done.

You wrote in the post before last: ” this was the first time I have ever had that kind of emotional connection to someone.” In adult life, it is the first time, but as a child, you had a very strong emotional connection to the adults in your life, the ones who handled you. They betrayed you and you shut down, locked your vulnerability for safekeeping. You locked your smile, the joy and the hurt, the acute hurt, and what you are left to experience is “only” a dull , as you called it: “the dull pain of loneliness that I am now back to.”

When you shut down the pain, it is not a very efficient process because the pain keeps leaking. If you went to competent therapy, slowly, gradually, you would integrate the acute hurt with your awareness… gradually, in small amounts so not to be overwhelmed, and then, as you do, a bit of a smile will come back, some joy.

Without therapy, something still can be done. Slowly, gradually, keep a bit open to making things better for yourself. A woman who is reliable, who doesn’t forget the last meeting and is welcoming of the next, building intimacy, trust over time.

And your home, the woman who is living there, there is a … humane way to have her live elsewhere.

It is not over till it’s over. And it is not over yet.

anita