Hi Anita! Thanks for your reply 🙂

For some reason I don’t feel comfortable when people say good things about me, I guess it is something I have to work on, but thanks a lot! ^^’

Here’s another update.

Last week my sister, my mom, and I, went on a trip to the capital to visit my aunt. It was supposed to be a time for relax because we are on a short vacation. But all the plans we had changed because one day in the middle of the night I had the worst panic attack so far. I fainted twice and ended in a clinic with two pills under my tongue. I knew it was because I was overthinking late at night about these problems and some forgotten memories from my childhood began to surface and they scared the hell out of me. I told my aunt about it. The next day she took me to visit a psychotherapist and I have been treated everyday since then. It has been a few days but we have made some progress and discoveries.

First of all, she said I don’t have depression. Maybe I had it in the past. But she said I wouldn’t have been able to cope with everything that happened if I had it. Extremely tired? yes. Exhausted? Definitely. Sometimes confused? Yep. But not depressed. I have to admit I felt relieved. She said this is the reason why I have such a clear thinking (I remembered your words at this part 🙂 ) when it comes to my family problems, because “my core beliefs weren’t stained with my parents’ actions”.

Second, and this is something I have been told before but didn’t understand it then: I have taken my mom’s role in the family. It was some kind of survival mechanism for my sister and I. It created a small sense of security for both of us, but now that our family’s dynamic changed it will become a problem instead of a solution. If I insist on being my sister’s mom we will develop an unhealthy relationship because that’s not my role and it might hinder our personal development. Just as an example, there are several things I have refused to do in the past (like going on trips or even going out with friends) because I was worried of who would take care of my sister. Likewise my sister stopped doing things she enjoys thinking that she has to be by my side in case something happened at home. Now I understand this but I’m not sure where lies the line between my role as elder sister and as “mom”. We will work on this with my therapist starting tomorrow, but any advice is welcome 🙂

And third, the therapist talked to my mom today. They talked for an hour or so. The conclusion was painful but not unexpected: my mom has such a heavy HEAVY emotional baggage she has carried her whole life that she’s not even aware of it. And because of it she won’t change, she won’t be able to be the mother we need. The therapist said it won’t be healthy to expect my mom to change because it won’t happen. The same conclusion we came up with in the previous posts, right? I still have to fully accept this, though.

There are good news though! They are not easy, but they are good(?). I’ll explain myself. After talking to the therapist, which happens to be her friend, my aunt has offered me all her help. This means she is willing to let us stay with her at her home or, if we prefered, to pay for a place to stay just my sister and I. She’s even willing to pay for my studies and my sister’s school! To be honest, when she said that it made me cry. All this time I was looking for an adult (I know I’m an adult, but someone more-adult(?)) to give me a feel of security. I didn’t get it from my parents, nor from my sister’s school, nor from the first time I filed the complaint and nor with the Women National Service. But now when I least expected it… it happened. That’s the good part.

The not-so-easy part is that I have to be realistic, this won’t happen in one day, there are several things we will need to take care first. For starters, my sister is 15 years old, she’s a minor so if we were to take her with us we could even be sued for kidnapping. My aunt said she’ll talk to some of her friends who are lawyers and I will do the same to know the process to ask for my sister’s custody. And that won’t be easy because like it or not, I still care for my mom. I know I’ll do this but it will be more painful than my father’s case. Maybe we can convince her to let me take my sister with me. If she never did anything with the abuse at home I can’t picture her taking action now to keep my sister with her. The trouble is that in that case I also need my father’s consent (weird things about law and how abusive fathers still have some rights over their children) and I doubt he’ll give it.

Other important point is all the things that implies the process of moving out. We are talking of living in a city more than 800 kms far from everything and everyone we know. It is literally a new start and I wonder if my sister and I are ready and strong enough to take this step so soon when we are still recovering from the last problems. Our next home might be located even farther away if we take in account that if I’m going to continue with my studies I need to find an university that will accept my exchange request.

Also I’m aware that my aunt’s help has a limit even when she says the opposite. She lost her job recently so she doesn’t have a steady income. She got married 2 months ago and with her wife’s income combined with some small jobs she does they have enough for living. I know I’ll have to get a job but I still feel like I won’t help enough.

As I’m typing this I’m thinking that if we take this to a legal stance the money my father is supposed to give for my sister’s expenses may help in this situation. That’s another thing to think about now!

As always, thank you so much to everyone who takes the time to read this and especially thank you Anita for your answers and thank you for caring 🙂