Dear aballa:

You wrote: “It’s like he was two completely different people when he was calm and when he lost his temper.”

Yes, if only he would always be calm, then all would be wonderful. If people would always be calm, there would be no abuse, no violence, no mismanagement, no dysfunction, no waste. If only.

If you were calm, you wouldn’t consider contacting him and having him live with you in Singapore. If you were calm, your thinking would be saner- you wouldn’t need to convince yourself of others that indeed, this relationship is not for your best interest and you should not re-ignite it.

It is when we are not calm that we need to be careful about our choices, about how we treat ourselves and others.

Kevin, this 36 year old man, sounds very much like a boy, as if he is still living his childhood when he was unloved. He threw temper tantrums then when he wanted a toy because when his parent bought him a toy- that was probably the closest he got to feeling loved. And so, he keeps buying himself things and having you buy him things so to feel love. Only it is a poor substitution.

When he talks to you about you needing to control your emotions, he is talking to himself. He often talks to himself ( to the image of his parent/s in his head) when he is talking to you. When he calls you selfish, he is calling his mother or father selfish. When he yells at you, he is expressing his anger at one or both of his parents. So there is little in his going-ons with you that is about you.

You wrote that you were all fine and dandy before you met him, but I wonder if this is so. In some ways, maybe. But how can you tolerate this behavior, sitting on the stairs waiting for him to finish his call and then being yelled at for sitting on the stairs. How do you tolerate this if you knew way better treatment before?

anita