Dear aballa:

You are welcome.

As to reason #1: ” I still had hope. I thought that maybe moving to Spain would eradicate his problems and he would be a better person.” Unfortunately it doesn’t matter where he moves physically- a new location, new life circumstances by themselves will not eradicate his problems, not even close. Only therapy would, that is only if he travels into his mind and past…

Reason #2 no longer applies. Reason #3- you having feelings for him, an attachment, a desire to help him, to see more and more of his calm side, more of the loving and lovable child that he was (still shows at times, doesn’t it?)- if you return to a relationship with him, you will again see him calm and you will again see the boyish glitter in his eye, the desire to love, the desire to live a better life. You will see those things because you already did, but you will see his abusive self in between those good sights. And it will cost you more money. Those good sights will indeed continue to be very expensive for you, in currency and in emotion.

About him using his childhood as an excuse- if he is using it as an excuse for his abusive behavior then sure, he needs to stop his abuse no matter what his childhood was like. If he uses his childhood as an excuse to him living his life so far in self defeating ways, then he is right. He was set up as we all do. And he needs to take on healing himself, do all the work even though he was set up to having the problems that plague him.

You can’t heal him- you are not a therapist AND if you were, you couldn’t ethically therapeut your own boyfriend (the objectivity required could not be there for you).

Whatever is drawing you to contact him for more of the same- that is … for you to heal in yourself.

Post again, anytime.

anita