Dear ms1681:

I am thinking that what might have happened is the following: he is under pressure with all the things you mentioned, work, bills, loans, future planning- things that are either no fun at all or require such seriousness (his art portfolios) that at this time, they are not fun. So you tried to make it easier for him, do the things that make sense: stay home and not go out to avoid expenses, is one.

So there he is on a weekday or any day and he gets really stressed, distressed, anxious, uncomfortable and need a release- right there and then. So he has friends close by, no travel required, no in-advance planning to get together, so he calls them or goes out and meet where he knows they will be, maybe down the street and so he does that, have a few laughs, a drink maybe and he feels better, somewhat recovered for the next day and the next series of responsibilities.

And he needs to do it repeatedly, so he did. He didn’t tell you because maybe, his ex story is true and he doesn’t want that distress again. (Remember my point is he needs occasional relief of distress, not adding to it). Then you find out and you react in such a way that, as he predicted, adds to his distress.

So he lets you go. Not that you are not good enough, but that his immediate need day in and day out is to relieve distress as it occurred, without prior planning and travel.

Your efforts to make it easier for him were well meant but you missed his greatest need: fun/ release of distress when needed, as needed (and understandably so) and he needed No Additional Distress.

It was not about you not being good enough. Not at all.

Does this make sense to you?

anita