Part of my problem is that I avoided relationships for many years. The few brief forays became associated with not so great outcomes. Ultimately, it became associated with pain, like watching the dysfunction in the family.

I guess I thought that this would be different. Both of us were older than my previous relationship attempts. I did have some expectations, and guess that I let my feelings override my common sense.

Just have real issues with the uncertainty of dating. Plus, good things are rather fleeting in the personal realm. When things were going well, felt really great. But, within a relatively short time, turned into sadness and mostly a return to the dull pain punctuated by periods of intense sadness of a level I have never felt before.

Heck, have previously been diagnosed with depression and anxiety disorder, I can be sad and on edge without anyone’s help. Why would I want to add to it?

Perhaps I was being naïve, and under the influence feelings that I am not used to. Happy isn’t a word that describes me generally, and I hadn’t felt it in years if not decades, and to be honest, prior to that couldn’t remember the last time I felt it. In the last call I had with her, actually got her to laugh and told her that it made me glad(probably a mistake). Then, less than 48 hours later, I might as well have been dead.

There is also the issue that I had basically vowed to myself to let the dysfunction of my family die with me. The easiest way to do that is to simply not be in a relationship. Perhaps that is a source of conflict in looking at potential partners. So many issues and interactions to think about.