Thanks Anita! When I said my mom did her best, maybe your right, maybe she didn’t. For EX.(this has a lot to do with her meanness and this is just one of many examples..) I was never overweight but I always had a little bit of extra LBS because I was an emotional eater, food and books felt like the only thing I had and they made me feel good. My brother and sister started calling me a man and an elephant. And then if I did something to make her mad, she would start calling me an elephant too. But then she would say that it wasn’t because I was fat, but because I would walk around heavy-footed. Like WTF is that?? I needed a mother, not another person in my life to make me feel like there was something wrong with me. She knew how sensitive I was to this stuff and it felt vindictive. I felt there must be truth to it or else she wouldn’t be saying it. THis also helped me develop what I think is an inferiority complex and just never feeling good enough for anybody, even to this day. I prayed every day that may parents would just divorce already.. As said up above, it took them until I was 18 to finally do it. My dad had gone on a few drug binges and overdosed on coke when I was seventeen, he’s 6’1 and was less than 100 pounds. However he lied to everyone about it and said he got ticks in a hotel when he was working out of town….. it was really bizarre. He eventually went to the doctor because health wise, things were pretty bad. THe doctor called my mom, it was def coke. She stayed with him for another year and then one time I came home from work, and my mom was bawling on the phone to my uncle. I guess our washer btoke and she went to go use the credit card however that lead her finding out that all the savings(including education funds for us kids), RRSP’s and all the credit’s were maxed out and drained. That was it for them. I also recently did that math that what would be my parents anniversary is 7 months before my bro’s birthday. Hmmm, made me wonder. I asked my dad about it and he said that it was pretty much a shot gun wedding and he wasn’t sure if he was ever really in love with my mom. They stayed together but hated each other. Because I never saw what a healthy, loving relationship was, I really seem to struggle developing my own.

She is from another country with no family here and my dad threatened her with taking away us kids if she ever left him. We are some what close now but it’s still not a lot of emotional support, more physical support. I have always just chalked it up the the language of love thing? It sounded like her parents had a pretty strict household too.(I can’t tell if Im making up excuses or just trying to understand?) I don’t even know anymore and my brain is literally tired of trying to make sense of it. However, I know I need to resolve a lot of issues first before I can have a fulfilling relationship with anybody.

For the record, I did break things off with the BF. He was really mad and called me a lot of names and said I was the most selfish person he has ever met. Which I always thought I had the opposite problem, i was never selfish enough. he always used to tell me that all of his Ex-GF’s have cheated on him and I never even did ever. I never even thought of it. That actually really cut me to my core. And he said all I do is sit around and feel sorry for myself. I tried to explain to him that I am not feeling sorry for myself, but for the first time, am trying to work out and resolve some complex issues. You don’t know what you don’t know about yourself and I oftened wondered if my brain chemicals were a little out of wack due to suffering from depression during my growth years. I never used him for money, I always made sure that he felt that I cared about him and not what was in his wallet. i was looking for true love and I really thought I had it. I really thought I loved him but I guess it wasnt enough for him. The first few years of us being together, I really put my self out there for the first time because there was something about him that I just trusted. And then after moving in with him, is when i found everything out about the deciet. I had changed my life to be with him and then i found out everything after. EX. It was only a message but with my inferiority issues, it killed me. I found a bunch of messages from his ex about how when he was with me, he would wish that I was her (cue inferiority complex). Various forms of deceit carried on for a few years until something happened inside me where it was like I emotionally shut down too him. Have you ever heard of the INFJ door slam? Is it real? I don’t know. But it is the closest description I have to how I felt. I decided that he wasn’t going to hurt me anymore and that was the moment I was unable to be vulnerable with him anymore. It was a really weird feeling that washed over me. I put up my armor and my brain wasnt letting me take it down. I felt the same thing with my dad as a child. I wonder if he never bonded with me, apparently he went on a huge drug binge when I was two weeks old and my mom didnt even know if he was coming back.

Sorry that was a long one but holy moly it feels so good to put all of this out in the universe and out my heart and head.Have you ever taken the MBTI test? After taking the test several time, I keep getting the INFJ hence the Door Slam analogy above. The INFJ loves harmony and meaningful connections. Not being able to meet my own needs made me subconciously hate my self so much. I dont like putting too much weight on one thing, but having an INFJ personality helped me understand more about myself that I ever did. I am also an HSP which doesnt help…

How did you cope and move on with all this? I want to move on from the past and feel fulfilled in my life because I know it has so much potentional!! I am definitley growing every day but sometimes, when you get that hopeless feeling deep in your gut, it’s like you get a little stuck :s Did you also grow up in a dysfunctional family?

Thanks again!!