Don’t think that I am afraid of commitment. I am just nervous of getting mentally beaten up again and again. I tend to think for the long term.

What I am trying to figure out is why others I know are successful in finding SO’s and I am not. I think part of it is that I am so work focused I miss people.

Saw a strange couple at lunch this week. Obviously on an early date. Both were talking about their DUI’s and she was talking about the previous times she had gotten pregnant in past relationships. Was thinking that we need more jail space for their potential offspring.

I am not a terribly spiritual person, so not good with the whole spiritual development thing.

I think that the disdain I feel for people at times comes from getting repeatedly screwed over at times. Most recently was planning on taking a week next month for a business trip not related to the job. Asked for some coverage on a case that floated up top for trial that week, and learned that the support would be basically settling it for peanuts.

I am rapidly reaching the point where it feels like there isn’t much reason to open up and trust people in close relationships. I give a lot to the job and would give a lot to a relationship, but just feel like I get smacked around.

She basically became cold as ice toward not just me but coworkers and others. I always say hi to the person up front in the office she works at since it is in the same building I am, and I have to pass by it. Everybody else is friendly, but when it rotates to her, I might as well not exist. I have basically given up the practice when that arrangement exists.

Perhaps some of it is my fault. I reamed out some folks in the office she works at while she was over there. Screw up over there had caused significant problems at my end, which we got blamed for. Verbally lit them up including some outbursts of profanity. Had reached the point of extreme frustration and instead of better exercising the freedom to choose reactions, I let myself unleash hot verbal wrath on them. Not my proudest moment, but it did get results on the issue.

Now I can see that scaring someone. Perhaps that explains things. At work, I am kind of known as having a firey temperament. Maybe she didn’t think that she could feel safe with me. That possiblity hurts. Of course, I can’t really blame her, I’d probably not like somebody who did that to my office folks.

Continuing reading on emotional intelligence. Have found myself being less agitated in situations than before. Apparently have also become more soft spoken overall.