Thanks all for your responses! I’m sorry it’s taken me a couple days to respond – I don’t have internet at home and find it too tedious to type thoughtful responses on my phone, so I had to wait till I was at work to get back to you.

suzb – Thank you. What a powerful reminder of exactly what I need to be reminded of right now. I think I will come back to your message again and again. It is so scary to take some time out and work on myself because I worry about what I might be missing out on in the process. I know this is illogical, but it’s this stupid fear that I just can’t shake. Truthfully, I have realized I’ve been drinking a little dysfunctionally as a way to avoid dealing with these things and that has probably set me back. I’ve been confronting that issue and just for the past week of not drinking I can see how I’m already thinking more clearly and I do believe I will sort through these feelings and come out the other side. It’s so helpful to have this community to help me with that. 🙂

Miniature Bodhisattva – Thank you for the clarification! That is a pretty empowering distinction, and I appreciate your kindness and taking the time to write. I have a hard time wondering when I will be done processing these feelings? It’s been over two years already but I guess I’ve been running from everything by using alcohol, pot, and other relationships to not confront anything. And I don’t know what this processing looks like? Sitting at home alone, reflecting? Just doing things that I enjoy? You can see how I feel quite lost and confused sometimes.

Anita – the relationship with J was fun, spontaneous and easy. We enjoyed being around each other, things were NEVER boring, we laughed a lot and we just generally got each other on a pretty deep level. We were without a doubt best friends. The problem was all the practical stuff – I was always a student and eventually got my master’s degree, while he never finished high school. My mom didn’t like him at all and would make no effort to talk to him when he was around. She was worried I was always paying for things for him, which I did do some but not excessively. J didn’t have any strong parental role models and I feel like he really didn’t learn a lot of life skills that I would have to be making up for and worrying about. I guess that was one thing that sticks with me – the feeling that when we were together I was the one who needed to always be taking care of things, and this created a lot of anxiety in me that manifested as being outwardly very critical of him. I would say this is what eroded our relationship the first time around and caused all the break ups and make ups – the fact that I was so critical and he was unwilling to man up (he did admit this when we got together the last time). He treated me well…we are both emotional so we could have blow ups at times but I don’t feel either of us ever became abusive. If he hadn’t met his current girlfriend (actually they are engaged) when he did I fully believe I would have come to my senses and SOON and we would’ve got back together again. Logically though I know that even if we had I wouldn’t have learned the exact lessons I am meant to be learning now and for the past two years and we probably wouldn’t have succeeded because of that.

Ok, relationship with S – was a complete opposite to J. S was stable and successful and older and I felt completely taken care of by him and like it was an actual adult relationship. He is a Brit who was working in the states when we met, and after being together for about a year and a half he had to go back to the UK so we did long distance for another year and a half and then he got a job in Maryland (I’m from Indiana) so we moved there together where we were for yet another year and a half before I ended it and moved back to Indy. I would say things were great until he had to go back home…I started feeling a lack of connection but decided to take a leap of faith and move to Maryland with him anyway hoping that being together would make everything better. I became isolated and missed my family and home and because of circumstances the only way for us to move back to Indiana together was to finally get married and I just couldn’t take that step. S treated me great and in the beginning I was also great. Towards the end, I became overly critical yet again and I know I hurt him a lot.

The relationship with R is really just a blip on the screen. We both started at a company around the same time and developed a kind of teasing friendship but there was definite chemistry there that most people could see. He had VERY recently lost his mom to cancer and I felt some strange pull to make him feel better (I don’t even know how to explain this). Our relationship became physical pretty much immediately when we started meeting outside of work but I was always the one trying to make plans and driving to his house and I really feel pretty lame about all of it especially because I betrayed J in the process – although I did break it off with J the first time R and I kissed. But still…Anyway, R went back to college (yes, quite a bit younger than me. dumb!) and we had a couple good weekends together before he became distant and broke things off with me. I’m sure I was putting too much pressure on him for a real and serious relationship. I probably wanted him to replace J’s role in my life which was obviously unfair. R has since graduated college and come back to work full time at the company I am still at and there is surprisingly no awkwardness but also NO RESIDUAL FEELINGS. I think this is what kills me – how I could have sacrificed this relationship with J for a fling with someone I now see on a daily basis and neither of us feel anything for one another. I just don’t know what I could have been thinking.

Geeze, thank you for reading all of this Anita, and I am really hopeful to start conversing about it with you.