Miniature Bodhisattva – Thank you for your answers!! Those questions were indeed not rhetorical, so I am grateful. 🙂 How long did you distract yourself with food and tv? It is crazy to me that I have only really had this awakening that my reasons for drinking and finding boyfriends have not been healthy. But I know this is the first big step on my journey towards a happier and more peaceful life!! Truly finding myself. I have been hiding for a while…experiencing the initial twinges of anxiety and then reaching for booze or a boy to try to make me feel better. It’s so temporary and in the end I feel further and further from myself. Just in these last two weeks while I have been not drinking and spending more time at home, alone – I can already feel more peace and balance. I know it might be fleeting, and anxiety and uncomfortable feelings eventually always find their way in, but I have learned that to sit with those feelings for a bit DOES NOT KILL ME. And I wake up in the morning with a clear head and having had a great night of sleep and feel GOOD about myself and the choices that I’m making. I have always been a loner and an introvert but I am human, so I do need human connections. This is where I find it hard to balance – sometimes when home alone, I am overcome with intense feelings of loneliness and anxiety that I will always be alone. What to do in those moments? I have a broken Led Zeppelin record in my head sometimes…”the best years of my life roll by, here I am alone and blue.”

Anita – thank you as always! I actually had an incident with my dad last night where it was immensely clear to me that *HE* is an extremely large trigger for my anxious and depressed feelings and thoughts. He is unable to provide even emotional support, which is all I have ever asked for from him. It’s really ridiculous and I would love to get into the specifics of it but I am starting to feel weird sharing all these details on a public forum. I think he is a master manipulator, obsessed with money, and super passive aggressive. I’ve only really taken notice of these things since becoming an adult but I know from conversations with my mom that these are traits he has always possessed. How crushing though, to at one time have been a real daddy’s girl and still carry around precious memories of childhood times with him but now see him for who he really is. I guess I should see that I am fortunate to have any positive memories of him at all. Still, I am left with this feeling that I might not have a choice but to cut him out of my life. He seems to be content to text me pictures of his food and dog and constant updates on his boyfriend, but when anything gets deeper than that he twists it around and the mind games begin. ughhhhh so much ridiculousness!!! He told me last night he needs to be free of the bullshit and crap from people he is related to and finds plenty of satisfaction and confidence in strangers and close friends. This after I asked him for advice on buying a home. Crazy, right? Sucks…