Dear dreaming715:

Regarding the pattern I’ve been trying to understand, the pattern of the men in your life losing interest in you, I have more understanding at this point. My analysis on this thread so far, which you agreed with, is true. And then there is a modifying part which is clear to me now.

This is a quote from what you wrote to me: “You (anita) wrote that indeed it is true that ‘you take yourself out of the equation of the relationship, as if you are a neutral party to it, not one to choose or judge. It is all up to him- he makes the rules, you neutrally wait for him’ You wrote: ” This is so spot-on. I was nodding my head while reading that statement.”

This is my modifying part: you presented yourself to him as a neutral party to the relationship in that conversation I commented on, but you are not a neutral party. I don’t think you considered the following and this may come to you as a shock, something you… automatically disagree with, but I hope you consider it when calm and let me know what you think and feel:

You are not a neutral party to the relationship with him/ other men (the pattern)- you are a hurt and angry party to each of those beginning relationships, predisposed to feeling hurt by the guy and angry at the guy. As a result your empathy to the guy is not there. It is all about you and nothing about him.

This latest guy is in the hospital, starting at the ER, or still there, but reading your account, his health and well being, the danger to his life, is either in parentheses or otherwise is not an issue for you. It is all about you, how he is not treating you well on his hospital bed.

“… Then early the next morning he had to go to the ER due to an issue with his left lung (this is the third time this has happened, it’s a condition he has managed for over a decade)…and he was having surgery tomorrow (aka today). I obviously told him I was sorry to hear that the issue with his lung reoccurred….His response, ‘Thanks. And good night.’ This is an opportunity to welcome my support as someone he is dating… and it’s clear to me that he isn’t interested in communicating any more than he has to (this was even days before the lung occurrence)…. he doesn’t seem interested in even making small talk at the moment…). Once he’s home, settled, and on the mend (like has had many days to recover), I don’t think I’m going to stay with him.”

I think that the guys notice you don’t care about them, have little to no empathy for them, that you are anything from a neutral to a predisposed hurt and angry party to the beginning relationship.

anita