Dear dijadei:

This is my understanding: the troubles in this relationship are because of how you expressed to him your growing anxiety. I think you have an understanding of this part but a misunderstanding in believing that your worth has something to do with it, and that looking more attractive, make up can fix anything, that explaining to him that your anxiety has nothing to do with him.

I don’t believe him wanting out of the relationship has anything to do with his evaluation of your worth and physical appearance and it is probably not about him feeling guilty for your anxiety (he didn’t google about that, did he?) I think his motivation wanting out is to avoid more pain. He doesn’t want to suffer from your anxiety. Can’t blame him for that, can you?

Two things: heal and manage your anxiety best you can and have a serious talk with him- ask him if indeed your understanding of his motivation to want out is correct, talk calmly to him, not anxiously, not attacking or defending, just wanting information, like a good, sincere friend. If he is calm, if he doesn’t feel threatened by you, he will honestly tell you the truth. Then, let him know you understand, that it is understandable that he doesn’t want to suffer, and shouldn’t suffer unnecessarily.

Let him know that you are working on healing/ managing your anxiety AND on not mistreating him as your reaction to your anxiety, that when you get anxious next, you will be thinking: how do I not automatically react to my anxiety in ways that mistreat your boyfriend.

It will take a lot of effort on your part and time for him to observe and trust that indeed you will not mistreat him by checking on him, interrogating him, blaming him, making it all about you- and forgetting his pain, his well being.

anita