Anita, I have to respectfully disagree. I will provide examples.
Example 1: Approximately 2.5 weeks ago he noticed something seemed “off” with his lung. He texted me saying he was on his way to the ER. My exact text was, “Oh wow really?? Well let me know what the doctors say… Hopefully it’s nothing serious. I’m also close by so let me know if you need anything or just want the company. Keep me updated!” He was released that same evening and told to just go home and rest. He asked if I would mind picking him up from the hospital and driving him home. I replied, “Yeah I can definitely give you a ride back!” Before picking him up I went to a bakery and got him his favorite dessert which are chocolate chip cookies (in an attempt to cheer him up). He also asked if I could bring him to the pharmacy to get his pain medication refilled. I said absolutely. The next evening I came over to see him, but before coming I told him I had all of the ingredients for pasta and asked if he’d like me to bring them over so he could relax and not have to worry about cooking (that way he could also have leftovers on-hand). He declined and said he would just make a pizza. During this time I did not once ask him to do anything that could strain his lung. I followed his lead and was happy to spend time with him doing activities that he was comfortable with, while checking in and asking how he was feeling.
*Note: At this point I noticed he was being slightly less affectionate in his texts, not making solid plans like he did in the beginning (example: No longer saying, “Let’s meet at this restaurant at this time” and instead saying “We can do something tomorrow, we’ll figure it out, and then not following up on the plans until I ask if we were still planning on getting together.”)
Example 2: Approximately 4.5 days ago he was out of state and texted met that at the end of music festival he went to the ER and this time they had to keep him there for his lung. My text message was, “M, I’m so sorry to hear that happened and am honestly also disappointed by how the previous doctors didn’t monitor your lung longer. I know this situation is frustrating, but what matters most is that you’re doing okay and your current doctors will take care of it. This time they’ll take the right measures to resolve it. I’m glad you let me know what’s going on and if you need anything at all I’m here. I know rest is important right now. Keep me updated when you can, just know I’m thinking about you. Your lung is recovering and this will all be behind you soon!”
He said, “Haha yes, thank you… it sucks, just gotta get through it.”
The night before his surgery I also wished him luck and assured him everything would go well. I have not pestered him with “check-in” texts. I have also tried throw in a few things to show I care (like one emoji with a kissing face, one little encouraging picture that said, “You’ve got this!”, and signing off on a text with xoxo).
*Note: I have not one single time said anything along the lines of, “I haven’t heard from you?” “Why didn’t you text me back?” Or even brought up ANYTHING about my life.
I see through social media that he is communicating with other people. I texted him yesterday (almost 24 hours ago) and asked if his friend was still with him or if he had to fly back home. He has not answered my text. And, to give him space, I have not said anything more to him because I don’t want to pester him. What hurts is that he’s on social media talking to other people when I feel I’ve made a concerted effort to do everything right. In both examples I genuinely wanted to help. I’ve helped him as much as he would let me.
Anita, I feel that you’ve pegged me wrong. Do I bring hurt into the beginning of a relationship? Maybe a little (although I don’t talk about it). Do I have little to no empathy for them? This, I truly believe, is incorrect.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 