@j.coleman07 – Thank you for your reply (= Don’t worry about the length of your response, I found it to be very helpful, and I appreciate any time someone takes to help me out with my thoughts (they can be quite chaotic!) I do agree that I feel like my individuality has been drowned out, but it is my fault for letting that become the case, so I’m going to work on resolving my internal issues and being able to express myself and maintain a sense of where I want to go without letting this relationship become a part of that picture.
I’m okay with staying with him right now logically, and my emotions will cooperate given I can just be myself again and enjoy my life outside of the relationship. I think I accidentally started to place him and the whole thing in the center of my world, and it’s caused me to forget who I am and where I’m heading in my life.

~*~

@anita – (Sorry for the message length! >_< )

I suppose it is an interesting note that I put it as an Either/Or statement… that was not my intention, but it has made me think that maybe I feel like having a relationship means I automatically have to sacrifice some parts of myself.

I can definitely imagine having a relationship that would do those things instead of me constantly worrying, though it is my fault for being an over-thinker. Of course I feel like any successful relationship would require me to work on or change certain parts of myself, because without compromise, the chances of me finding someone who would go along with my boundaries are extremely unlikely.
(i.e. The whole child-free mindset, along with being asexual, so my physical boundaries are very tight and I don’t see those changing no matter how ‘comfortable’ I get with someone, contrary to what everyone likes to tell me… it’s frustrating being the only one who doesn’t want those things, because I don’t see the point.)

I can’t remember much from my childhood, but what I can say is that starting in middle school and for five years afterwards, I gave up my free-spirited nature completely. After some degree of emotional abuse and depression, I stopped doing what I wanted to do and spent my time dwelling on the negatives and driving myself into the dark. All of the things I enjoyed and the things I felt led people to make me an outsider. I stopped caring, and I stopped having dreams at all. I even stopped having friends.

After my therapy, I did a full circle and found hope for my future, creating an image that I hold dear to my heart. I feel like I am not willing to compromise any of that for a relationship, as I am determined to live a life that makes me nothing but happy and able to do the things I’ve always wanted, and if someone does not fit in with that picture and accept who I am (boundaries and all), then I can’t see myself ever ending up with someone.

But I’ve been calling myself extremely selfish lately for this. I can’t make an entire relationship revolve around me and my wishes, which is why I always think he would be better off with someone else in the long run. Though I feel guilty for not wanting to change the way I am, another part of me tries to reason that I shouldn’t have to change… I don’t know whether to be glad that I don’t want to change myself or frustrated because unless I change, I can’t possibly be right for anyone, now or in the future.

I can say with some degree of certainty that if I never changed, and he decided he wasn’t okay with where things were, he could leave, and I wouldn’t be upset. And I would be fine staying the way I was until the day I died. I would wait for the kind of love I’ve imagined, and if it’s a hopeless love that can’t be found, then I feel like I will be just fine never having it at all.
(By staying the way I am, I mean hoping for the kind of love that lets me be myself completely, without feeling the pressure to change who I am or do things I’m not comfortable with. High standards… probably.)

In the end I’m not even sure what to think of myself, let alone where to go from here. It’s so confusing to be torn between feeling happy because I have a good idea of who I am and what I want to do in my life, or upset and guilty because I’m so stubborn and don’t want to sacrifice any of it for someone else… sometimes I feel like I should not expect myself to ever end up with someone, even though a small part of me constantly hopes that somewhere out there is a guy who feels the same way I do about the important things.

I like to pretend that somewhere out there is a guy who cares and would love me unconditionally. But I find that so hard to believe.

-Isra

PS: Sorry that I write so much, but writing like this is the best way for me to express my thoughts. I’m better with written words than spoken words. I get carried away.