Thanks for all your replies/feedback.

CLB: Currently, my little family lives far enough away that we can’t be of much help but can get there in a day, if need be. Appreciate you sharing your experience, thank you.

Anita: Thanks for your compassionate message.

Inky: Thanks for the different approach, appreciate a different option in how to view and handle things. You said something about the gifts your mother gives you….and you’re absolutely correct. In visiting with a friend last night, I saw where the authentic, honest relationship I have with my spouse was partially due to this relationship I have with my mom.

Peaceatlast: Thanks for sharing your ideas, experiences.

nyres817: I appreciate you sharing resources and your story.

There’s no doubt in my mind that there’s an emotional/mental issue underlying mom’s behavior and treatment of others. I spoke with both sisters, months ago, about the possibility of some level of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. One thinks it isn’t the case but rather mom is extremely selfish. While the other doesn’t say much (as she stated that when dad died, she was going to have very little, if anything, to do with mom). That one knows a lot more than what she’s saying, sometimes relays some stories/memories but generally tries not to say much.

Mom was extremely firm and strict when we were raised, a controlling parent. There wasn’t a complete absence of love but rather when we approached a certain age (around 10) she withheld love, affection was no longer appropriate. At that time, the ‘rages’ (which were going from 0 to 180 with anger) were not clear as to what set it off…one never knew what would upset her. Punishments made little sense. So that was very confusing and still is. Also know that there’s a history of abuse on that side of the family (via stories from grandma). From stories relayed to me, it sounds as though she experienced post-partum depression with me (grandmother shamed her about being pregnant at 40). It sounds that dad and my siblings were heavily involved in my care. My siblings are 9 and 11 years older than I.

There was never an official diagnosis and I don’t believe mom ever sought help with that either….which may go along with a popular belief system in her age group (depression isn’t a real disease).

It was very confusing for me. Lots of ‘flip-flopping’ on what I got punished for, severity of punishments that didn’t fit the crime or ‘imagined’ crime (yeah, got punished for what she thought I did even if I didn’t do it). She and I have a hard time communicating with each other. I can state things simply and bluntly and she doesn’t understand it. She expects me to read her mind and instinctively know what help she needs, when she needs it. ha ha…I haven’t evolved THAT much yet. 😉

I share these bits and pieces….not to have a vent session, pity party or “Poor me!! I’m such a victim!”. Not at all. It is a puzzle that I feel such a huge drive to solve. Its painful sometimes to meditate and have memories, I had long forgotten, surface. I seek to remember the good memories as well. I guess, as a mother myself, I now see more of an abused inner child that lashes out at the world…instead of the monster I used to see. Forgiveness….it will take some time but I know it will come. That is something that isn’t typically difficult for me, forgiveness.

I have checked out the ‘daughters of narcissistic mothers’ website and found valuable information. I have also been reading (little chunks at a time) “Codependent No More” and a friend loaned me “Shame & Guilt: Masters of Disguise”. While I really want to understand this, find compassion for it and find a love for her that I can give without feeling hurt that it isn’t reciprocated; I’m also searching for freedom. Physically distance doesn’t matter if I still allow her to affect me as she always has, snap her fingers and I perform. I understand that I’m responsible for my choices and I’m as free as I allow myself to be (internally). I’ve discovered less guilt, more self-love over this past year. I had a few days at one point that I felt this huge beam (think Iron Man) of love radiating from my chest….and I loved that!

I don’t know what the future will bring but I always have hope. And yes, maybe that hope is in vain….but maybe that’s why I’m also numb right now. I’m hopeful yet protecting myself…out of habit. What I don’t expect is unconditional love, acceptance from my mom. Those hardly ever came when one did things exactly as she wanted you to, so not going to happen even if I’m happier than I’ve ever been. However, it is also a life lesson and these memories, educating myself (thanks everyone for your input)…this cycle stops with me. I’m NOT passing it onto my children. It’ll be interesting to see how they evolve and improve on parenting (if/when they have their own). In the meantime, CLB is right….I need to work on accepting that this is all she has/can give. I do wish for her to feel more authentic love for herself, feel more acceptance…so maybe she can feel some of that freedom herself before she’s gone.

Thanks for your replies and thanks so much for reading. 🙂