Dear Natalija:

A key sentence in your post, for me, is: “Never really trusting my feelings or having boundaries I would do almost anything to get approval”- your healing is going to involve you trusting your feelings. Every feeling you ever had and every feeling you have has a valid message for you. It is what feelings are about, for animals in nature and for people (we are animals) in our complex society.

You wrote that you are afraid to be alone, although you are living alone. I think the message in that fear is that as a child, living with your controlling grandparents, screaming and yelling, you were afraid. You were probably afraid that if you say or do the wrong thing you will lose that home, the hint of safety you knew then, in the only home you had.

So you will do anything to get approval, so to not be rejected, not left alone. There is nothing scarier for a child (or for a young animal, or for any group/ herd animal) then living alone.

If competent psychotherapy is available for you, it will be a good place for you to process the fear of your childhood: the yelling, the not knowing when the next yelling will take place.. and in the context of the safety with the competent, empathetic therapist you can learn to read the valid messages in your feelings and so, to trust your feelings to guide you, to combine logic and emotion as you guide in making better and better life decisions.

Your thoughts…?

anita