Dear Michelle:

The Logical Plan is to “let them both go.”

The Emotional Plan (“How do I cope emotionally?”), beginning of addressing it:

1. Understand the emotional nature of Attachment. As I understand it, and let me know if I am correct: you were attached to your husband at one time (“in love”)- but his chronic discontent, moving jobs and locations, wanting things he doesn’t have, you called that “unsettling”- it made you feel unsafe with him. We feel attached to those who make us feel safe. At one point your husband made you feel safe and you felt attached, or in love with him. Over time, you felt more and more unsafe with him so you lost the attachment, the in-love feeling for him. As this was happening you felt unsafe, unattached. Your colleague came along, and as you felt more and more unsafe with your husband, needing the feeling of safety, you attached to your colleague. He became your (feeling of) safety.

When we are attached to someone, as you are now attached to your colleague, it feels like we can’t live without them. It feels safe with him and unsafe without him… because you are attached to him.

2. In psychotherapy with a competent, empathetic therapist, if you attend one, you can explore the history of your attachment to ..the first person or people you were attached to: your parent/s. What happened there and how that history left you so needy of attachment, so needy/ desperate that you will act against your own well being, staying in a bad-for-you relationships just for that feeling of safety when in reality you are not safe in those relationships.

Thoughts so far?

anita