Dear Sylvie:

I agree with you that there is no point whatsoever to pretend to be something (the extended family) is not. His adult children and your adult children are not close, are strangers, really as far as intimacy goes, strangers with a touch of negativity, I would say, at best. So no reason to pretend otherwise.

Hope your daughter decides who to invite and who not to invite- it is her day. Or should be.

As far as why his adult children would want to be invited or why your boyfriend would want them invited- I would say the reason is not a good reason, whatever it is. Maybe your boyfriend doesn’t feel comfortable with the lack of closeness reality and the wedding is an opportunity to pretend otherwise, as social occasions like these are often used for pretense.

How to talk to your boyfriend about this? First, I’d have a conversation with my daughter (if you haven’t so far) and listen to her position while you express your own. If you and her are on the same page, I would say something like this to the boyfriend: “My daughter and your adult children are not close. As a matter of fact, they dislike each other. My daughter and I believe that her wedding should not be about pretending anything. I sure hope her love for her soon to be husband and his love for my daughter is authentic and not about pretending. I want her to start her married life authentically and so pretense is not acceptable.”

Unless your boyfriend is paying part of or all your daughter’s wedding, he has no say, so his position really is not up to consideration.

If I was you I would be assertive with him, matter of fact and as calm as you can be. If he argues and gives you a hard time, well… it is going to be another part of the “off../bad” pattern of the “on and off good /bad for 10 years.”

What do you think?

anita