Dear Anita, thank you for your answer

When he was treating that he will punished him self if I dont answer the question, I was terrified. My brain bloced every negative thing.I wasnt aware what I went trough, until I started reading my notes. When he changed I am talking about behaviour change,he become aggressive, depressed, moode swings. He wasnt happy. He said one day, Why dont you leave me? I was like: I dont wanna. I love you. And he: I would like you to leave me. That would make everything simplier. He said that he dont wanna move-in with me, even thou we were working on the flat. That was such stress on me, that the next day I got a temperature, I got sick because of my feelings that I haved. I was crying on regular basis. I could not talk to him anymore, everything was my fault.
After I called off my engagment, I was looking on the internet about abusive relationships and I found him in them.
I found the pattern. He even threaten one boy,because we go on UNI together. He was so jealous.
One night when we were going home from the concert, that I organized for him. He loved the band. He got drunk and start talking that we are breaking up. And he is breaking up with me, now. I was quiet all the time. And at one point he started jelling and grabbed me. I said it hurts,so he let go. I did defend everything that he would do, or say to me. Like I deseved it. He didnt mean that. Like i deserved to be punished, because I didnt delete the screenshoot.
After I read this forum, I am glad that I called thing off. I am so glad that I found this forum, because I can finally said what happened. I even talked with my mum to go to the doctor. I didnt tell her everything, what happened. She only knows when I was crying,because she saw me.
But I am kinda addicted to him. Its strange victim-rapist thing. After our breakup, we did talk, send messages and on one message he wrote: if you sleep with someone it would not be special anymore. Like I would be a wh–e.
Now I have mixed feeling of anger and love,and a little fear.
So, how to move on? How to star trusting men again? After our breakup, I could not looked any men in the eyes. I was really embaresses. I started to loose weight,after everything that happened. I was anorexin in the past. I mean I eat everything, but my head and emotions are eating me.
Also, I supposed you heard of LOA. I know that I should forget about this bad things, but how to deal with it when somebody askes you? Like what would you say to your “future boyfriend” about you ex? I dont wanna make mistakes

BIG THANK YOU <3, after writing this I feel better and a little bit more angry because I allowed this to happend to me.
Before him, to every boy I said NO and to him I said YES we can date, and this happend.
Thank you for your support
Hug