Dear Luke:

I realized after writing the above post to you that I was not empathetic to your girlfriend. I re-read most of your original post and I have further to comment:

You wrote: “For the most part, it is relatively okay and there’s only the minor issues here and there.” This is important, that for the “most part” the arrangement is okay for you. Also, you expressed that you don’t want to live with your family and you can’t afford living alone/ with your girlfriend alone as a couple.

I understand your girlfriend’s difficulty listening to you expressing your distress regarding her father and brother. First, there is nothing she can do about it. Second… there is nothing you can do, because of your lack of options to live elsewhere and since you already asserted yourself with her father and brother.

I understand that your distress is difficult for her. She has her own challenges, her own distress, one of which is her distressing belief that she is not good enough. There is just so much of your distress that she can endure.

It is not an All-or-Nothing issue: you have distress, and you do need to express it at times, but in Moderation. Not too much. And she needs to express some of her distress to you. Not all the time, not excessively. Each one of you has distress all day long- don’t burden the other, don’t unload it on the other.

So when I suggested you end the relationship with her, my suggestion was rushed, not responsible because I don’t know how much sharing-of-your-distress you have been doing with her. It may have been too much and way more than it is realistic or fair to expect her to endure.

Your thoughts/ feelings?

anita