Hi, Dreaming715.

Regarding your original post, except for recalling what didn’t work with you and your ex-fiancé (the problems you two had, what you learned from that, and seeing potential red flags for similar problems in your current relationship), I suggest that comparing your current boyfriend to your ex-fiancé is probably not very productive or beneficial for the relationship. They are two different people, and your current boyfriend doesn’t have the benefit of knowing everything you know about your ex-fiancé (everything you liked about him and didn’t like about him, etc.). It also sounds like he doesn’t have the benefit of knowing everything about you (what you like in a partner, in a relationship, etc.), either. For him to be able to have any real chance of living up to all of the good things you liked about your ex-fiancé, and to avoid all of the things you didn’t like, he would: 1) Have to know those things, 2) Be all but identical to your ex-fiancé in the ways you liked, i.e. the same genetic proclivities, same up-bringing, same interests, etc., and 3) Be dissimilar to your ex-fiancé in all the ways you didn’t like.

The last one is particularly tricky because some of the proclivities of your ex-fiancé that facilitated things you liked about him may have also facilitated things you didn’t like about him. As a made up example, maybe he had the proclivity to be detail oriented, which made him remember little things about you that you liked, but also made him notice little things that you didn’t do the way he thought they should be done. You would also have to like the ways in which your current boyfriend was dissimilar to your ex-fiancé (while still maintaining all of the similarities that you liked), which is just as unlikely as him being all the good things you liked about your ex-fiancé.

Does that make sense?

I went on about that much longer than I intended.

I agree with you about the Disney movie expectations. But I also think many, many people have those thoughts as well. Maybe everyone does to a certain degree. I think the fact that you realize that such expectations are unrealistic is extremely beneficial for you and the relationship. Great insight!

Regarding the French-fries and potato wedges, rather than hoping he will intuitively understand what you are thinking, and being disappointed when he doesn’t, you might say something like, “These fries are terrible! It tastes like they were cooked in last year’s grease! Do you mind if I have a few of your potato wedges?” That way he knows that you don’t like your fries, why you don’t like your fries, that you are still hungry, that you would like a few of his potato wedges, and why. Being straight forward, clear, and communicative gives him a chance to understand what you are thinking and what you want, and then respond.

Also please consider that saying things obliquely, and hoping that he will understand what you mean and do what you want, can also come across as being passive-aggressively manipulative.

Regarding the goodnight kiss, why not take the initiative? Before you go to sleep, say something like, “Come here. I want a kiss to help me sleep!” Then look deep into his eyes and say, “Goodnight, sweetheart,” and lay a sweet, gentle, loving kiss on him. (Hell, after that, if it were me, I’d be lookin’ forward to saying goodnight all day.) But don’t stop with only one time; establish the pattern, and when you kiss him, let him feel your caring for him. After a while, if he is the kind of guy you’d like for him to be, he will make damned sure that his sweet dreams start with kissing you, even if you don’t initiate the kiss. The same thing goes for a goodbye kiss.

Give it a try.

Regarding your question, “Is it unrealistic of me to expect more from him?” I suggest the answer is yes, and no. Yes, because you framed what you want in terms of “expect” rather than “hope.” To expect implies an obligation on his part. To hope, on the other hand, still allows him his freedom. For you to hope for more from him, as long as you are openly communicative with him, I suggest is very realistic.

CMI