Dear Kath:

You wrote: “I usually prefer drastic measures to rational ones”- I suppose eliminating the three men from your life (other than the car arrangement with your ex boyfriend, for as long as it lasts) would be such “drastic measures”- like an alcoholic avoiding all alcohol, or a food-a-holic avoiding all cake, or… well, all-or-nothing.

I want to explore the rational measures:

If your therapist was competent and empathetic and hard working, then re-starting your therapy may be a good idea. Stopped it prematurely, I am thinking.

Be honest with the three men you are in contact with: very important. You are confused, at a crossroad, let them all know that you are. Don’t say anything you don’t mean to either one.

The long distance guy- no danger, you stated. It is safe. Continue then.

Your ex boyfriend- if you can handle it, be friends, no physical intimacy- that will be bad not only for you but for him. He is attending therapy: very good. Do not interfere with it. Let him continue. Encourage him, if you can, listen to him, share, as friends. You don’t know what the future will be, but being friends now is best for now and for the future. If you can handle it.

The other guy- this is where the drastic measure does apply, as I see it: if I was you, I would have one rule with him: no physical intimacy. It may be exciting for a very short time, but lots of trouble for you, following that temporary excitement. I suppose you do want the excitement, that relief from boredom, from distress, from over thinking- but there are other ways for you to get the relief and excitement that you do need.

So with the exciting kind of guy, the attractive one- if you can handle it, meet him in public only. Not in any place where your (and his) hormones take the lead. Conversations will do: learn how far his real person is from your delusions of past. It can be a good exercise in this regard.

Your ex boyfriend is not the only one who grew up with inadequate safety and love: you too. You have this major thing in common. Find that safety in therapy and/or in your support group, and in honest communication with the long distance guy and in friendship-only with your ex and if you can handle it, in no-physical-intimacy get together arrangement with the third guy.

Your thoughts…?

anita