Hi Jane,

My brother is a look like your daughter, and my mother has gone through what you are going through before. My mother accepted what was happening to her, because it was either that or just get angry. The only difference is that my parents have never really given my brother (or myself) money for anything. My brother also lives away from home and we rarely see him, only when he wants to get stuff off his chest, because no one else will listen to him. Heck, we weren’t even invited to his 21st!

That’s the background, and this is my perspective on your daughter, deep down…she feels ashamed of herself, maybe even guilty. She probably doesn’t tell you much because deep down she is afraid that you are judging her. You have paid and supported her through everything, yet she might feel that with that comes a responsibility of being an awesome daughter, and she is failing herself because she might think you have grand expectations for her. It’s like she has an inferiority complex around you. Like my brother, your daughter might be internalizing all of this, irrespective if it’s true or not. Does she think the sun shines out of everyones butt but yours? My brother does this all the time, calling people he hardly knows family and friendly or lovely people, and yet slags off at his actual family for being too demanding. Your daughter might be quite a different person when she is with you. She might feel vunerable because you are her mother, you know everything. That’s why she might not call or come over much. She might hate the fact you know her too well. That’s why my brother has never introduced me to his friends, we never knew he had a girlfriend for months before she appeared at our door. My brother feels he is bulletproof with others, not with us. It may well be a similar case with your daughter. I believe that’s why she blew up at you, she hated being made to feel guilty. Maybe that’s why she doesn’t call often, and she only calls when she wants something. Having a reason, is better than no reason, otherwise you might ask something harmless like “did you finish that essay? or how are your marks?” and she will not know how to handle it; “is mum going to judge me for this?” she might wonder. It’s all in her head, you love her, warts and all, but she probably doesn’t see it that way. She is building all these mental blocks in her head. I found with my brother, he distanced himself so much that he couldn’t feel like he was being judged, watched or made to feel guilty. And now, because your daughter knows that you know she only rings when she wants something, she might feel this is the standard convention from now on.

DO NOT TAKE THIS AS YOUR FAULT. My mother raised us two boys by herself, she stopped working so that she could look after us. We both lived under the same roof, and we are so different that i sometimes wonder if he hit his head on something and forgot about the 18 years mum raised and supported us. Recently mum went into day surgery, and my brother didn’t even ask how she was. My mother stopped telling him things, because in the end she felt that expecting him to say something was worse than anything. Mum hasn’t given up on my brother, she just isn’t punishing herself for the way he has turned out. Honestly, no matter how much love you give your child, they are ultimately in control of who they are. All we can do is hope that they realize its not them against everyone else.

You are not being petty. You feel left out in the cold, neglected and all you want is to be acknowledged. I totally get that. Although your daughter might seem like an adult to you, she may not feel the same way. I don’t know what you can do to solve this, since nothing has worked on my brother. I feel that eventually he will realize that he has messed up, that life isn’t all about him, that he wouldn’t be anything without his family. I reckon this is the case with your daughter. Maybe try to start a dialogue with her, when she speaks to you next time. I feel the main thing is for your daughter to initiate conversation, not you. I only ever speak to my brother when he wants to speak to me, not the other way around. It’s like he needs to be in control of the terms and conditions of our talk. I reckon do the same with your daughter, because they may think they are in control, but they really aren’t.

The opposite, would be to start taking things away from her, stop financially supporting her in some facets of her life. Maybe then she will realize how much you give for her to be able to live comfortably. I reckon this is extreme, but you know what they say: you never know what you got till it’s gone.

I hope this helped you a little, If you have any comments or questions, please continue this thread.
BUT seriously, it’s not your fault.
MAtty