Hi Jane,
I have also raised a “difficult” daughter and have done a lot of research on nature versus nurture. The argument about nature vs nurture is ongoing although a number of personality traits i.e. anxiety, depression, anger, have been attributed to genetics. My daughter is my only child and I raised her primarily as a single Mom. She is now 35 and has a 1 year old son. Well meaning friends/acquaintances would assure me that at various milestones she would become “appreciative”, “mature”, etc and be the loving/thoughtful daughter that I had always hoped for. Nope. Never happened. Her personality has remained the same since she was in pre-school. Controlling, narcissistic, easy to anger, anxious, critical. She is also very independent, resourceful, intelligent and witty. I’m sure you’re daughter has qualities that you admire. Unfortunately, the empathy, sensitivity and warmth that you long for, is not part of who they are. Perhaps when you “give less” and “expect less”, it will be easier to accept the dynamics of your relationship with her. This has been a major disappointment in my life and I wish that I had accepted the fact that I can’t change her and only change my attitude. I have finally decided to let go of our relationship after many years of struggling to maintain a connection and closeness. Its been an incredibly painful and exhausting journey. I sincerely wish you the best.