Dear Jane,
what a complex topic! I want to write so much I don’t know where to start, but I will try to keep it as short as possible. I hope the shortness won’t make my post look offensive.

First of all, in general, you have a daughter to be proud of: „she now has thankfully turned around, is at uni and has worked through summer“. Not everyone gets to this point after a troubled past.
But your relationship with her is not what you have hoped for: „I guess I am feeling that now she is an adult, that she would appreciate all that I do for her, and expected as least some comeback and a closer relationship.“ Am I right in thinking that the birthday mess was just the tip of the iceberg for you? It sounds to me like your relationship was never that close. Would you like to write more about how it was when she was a child? A teen? Were you close then?

As for getting closer in the here and now, unfortunately kids don’t magically change when they go to uni. And though I usually like to read Mattys posts, I disagree that cutting her allowance will get you closer. You can’t „buy“ (either with money or with doing stuff for her) that closer relationship, it has to develop. If you tell someone directly or indirectly: „we give you money so you have to love and respect us and act like we want you to“ how do you think that person will react? And further if you take Mattys advice and say „We don’t give you money until you love and respect us“ how do you think that will go over? Will that make your daughter care for you? Will she feel she can rely on you and that you love her no matter what? The only way I see a closer relationship developing is by changing yourself and the way you communicate with your daughter. I know it sounds wrong: why should ‘you’ have to change? But I think it is really the only way to go. I suspect you allready know a lot about communication, judging from how you talked calmly with your daughter after the birthday mess. Still I strongly recommend that you check out „Feeling good together“ by David Burns. (And no, this is not about you becoming a dormat for your daughters tantrums! Not at all, it’s rather about understanding her and make her understand you.)

Lastly I wonder if you can recall what your daughter said when she blew up and made you feel guilty. I am sure this is uncomfortable, but can you recall it word for word?