It’s interesting, because on the one hand you seem to know exactly what is going on with him but you can’t quite seem to figure out how to address the issue. The emotional abuse is a symptom of that pressure to change, which produces stress. You see, men can be nurturers, but it’s not the primary role of their physiology. It causes a great deal of stress and insecurity in a man, to fulfill a role opposite to his physiology. Working contrary to his desires to be a protector, a hunter, a leader and to establish order in a family. He begins to feel insignificant, to feel drained, and this produces a lot of negativity, and a lot of resentment directed at those around him and at you. The purpose of a relationship, is to not only help each other grow, but to be a solid foundation for the family, to provide for all of its needs and to reproduce that initial success in its offspring. You aren’t happy because you don’t get time with the kids and can’t fall into the role you desire, as a nurturer, a homemaker, to form lasting bonds throughout the family and maintain its cohesivity, to be a foundation of support. He’s not happy because he’s found himself in a role he’s not naturally proficient in. He can’t identify with his masculinity, because he is working against it, which hurts him in all aspects of his life, including friendships and family. The problem is, your natural inclinations to fulfill your role, by being supportive, caring, understanding, compassionate, helpful, are directed at the wrong objective. The objective being, him falling into a role his heart is not set in, which he has little proficiency in, and confidence in doing. So although you are doing everything right, its to accomplish the wrong goal, it’s alienating him from feeling masculine, from identifying with his married male friends, from being confident in accomplishing the tasks he sets out to do, from establishing order in the family, and from being a role model and a blanket of security for his family.

How do we fix this? Awareness helps, which you’ve got in spades. He needs to be supported in a leadership role, to gain control over the families course, to get a job and once again start providing for the family. This doesn’t mean you have to quit your job, but you can ease back on your hours so you have more time with the family. This will ease up on the pressure he feels, relieving stress, give him more time outside the relationship to focus on having fun and connect with other married men with good values to impress upon him. More time for you both to rekindle the romance in your relationship. Think back to what attracted the two of you together in the first place, what was it about him that you loved so much before the kids came along and all the stress of raising a family? What was it about you that he loved? Try to get back to that initial fire you had that brought you both together, because those flames are dying out.
Encourage him to make more decisions which will result in him being more outspoken, nurture his confidence by building him up, allow him to guide the conversations with others, he will feel uncomfortable because he isn’t used to this. Repetition produces perfection and encourages confidence. Wherever there are opportunities, allow him to take the lead, even if he doesn’t want to. This will pressure him to grow into the role he wants in the family unit.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 3 months ago by Joshua.