Dear Sue:

From my own experience with my own bully (my mother) during my childhood, this is my input:

Having gained in depth understanding on how it happens, this is not mind boggling to me (” the way she STILL can affect me, and so powerfully, is mind boggling.”)-

She bullied you since the day you were born, you wrote. Childhood years are called “Formative Years because our brains are formed during those years, in many ways: one way is the millions of connections between nerve cells done in the brain. Learning to talk involves millions of connections, beginning with a few, connecting words together in a short sentence and going on from there. Other connections are made as well, in your case, there is a connection between the image of your sister and pain/ distress (being bullied). There are connections between how she looked at you when bullying you and distress; how she phrased her put downs, etc.

These are permanent connections. They can be weakened over time but we don’t live long enough to get rid of them. This is why at 60, once you see her (certain brain cells register her sight) or when you hear her (other brain cells register her voice), you experience distress.

If other people look at you like she does or sound like her, that also brings about distress, doesn’t it?

This is why you are still distressed seeing her, hearing her. There is nothing you can do about it other than avoid seeing her and hearing her or about her.

After I cut all contact with my mother, I kept feeling distressed as I projected her into other people, believing they are going to attack me like she did. It took more healing for my fear to diminish. And still, I am afraid.

No point in trying yet again all the things you tried- not seeing her is the only thing you can do. But I understand your concerns about not seeing other family members as a result. The thing is, it is possible for you to really, completely cut all contact with her and not attend the big family events and instead have private visits with family, visits where she is not present. This is an option and your choice, of course.

Thing to remember: cutting all contact with her will help, but it will take more post contact work to not be distressed by automatic memories of her bullying triggered by current events like someone looking like her or anyone randomly (for not apparent discernable reason) triggering an emotional memory of being bullied.

If you choose to see her in the context of other people being there- well, there is no way to avoid being triggered, as I see it. It is really not within your control- your brain has been formed, many years ago, this way: you see her- and there is distress.

Side note: there were times I saw my mother and didn’t feel distress; those were rare. I think my brain, being overly distressed, simply took a break from the distress.

What do you think?

anita