Hi, funmark.

In response to your question, “Do I contact her and if not what do I do?” Based on what you wrote about her, I suggest that it would not be to your benefit to contact her. What would be the point? Would you be willing to go back to a relationship where everything revolves around her, and there is no reciprocity? If not, then what would be the benefit of contacting her?

If she ever gets to the point that she realizes that relationships are two-ways streets, so to speak, and if she is willing to make an honest effort to reciprocate in a relationship, and if she contacts you wanting such a relationship with you, then, at that time, resuming communication with her might be a beneficial thing, until then, not so much, really.

Regarding what you do if you don’t contact her, that is not an easy question to fully answer. The short answer is that you go on with your life: you get up every day and do what needs to be done; you enjoy life as you can; you pursue your interests; you date as you choose; you make it through the hard times as best you can, and you enjoy the good times to the fullest; you don’t give up on life or love, but you thoroughly evaluate your hopes about life and love, and be realistic about things.

In the end, though, you are the one who must ultimately decide what you do if you don’t contact her.

From my own perspective, finding someone with whom I want to be in a relationship, and with whom I want to spend the rest of my life, and who also wants the same with me, is going to be extremely difficult in this society that highly values and perpetuates false, illusory, and even ridiculous standards. But to sit around dwelling on not finding someone would be a HUGE and indefensible waste of my life, as would be settling for a relationship that is non-beneficial and destructive to me. I’m fully open to the possibility of finding someone, and I certainly explore the possibilities that present themselves, but if it happens, it happens. If not, then I’m good with that, too, as long as I don’t waste my life in the meantime.

Also consider that if you contact her, and things don’t change, and you end up settling for her, you run the risk of not meeting, and more importantly not being prepared to meet—by not having had the opportunity to grow from processing the loss of this destructive relationship, etc.—someone with whom you could be happy and with whom you might be able to spend the rest of your life.

CMI