Thank you all for the advice. Last night she admitted she was selfish and loves him and has sexual desires for him which at the moment is only kissing but that may change. She says she loves me and wants to be able to love two people at the same time with everything remaining the same. I feel better knowing the reality of the situation but finding it hard to process that she wants an ongoing affair with the knowledge that it is hurting me. I know I have a choice about how I feel about it but all the same it hurts.

Inky: Yes he is a married 56 year old and my partner is 42. I do know his wife, we have even been on holidays together. I haven’t spoken directly to her about what I know. His wife actually called my partner to talk about her relationship with him because she was uncomfortable about the frequency and intensity of it. My partner didn’t tell her the truth but says she is a woman and he has had an affair before so she probably knows what he is doing. My feeling is that she knows and is like me struggling with staying or leaving.

Michelle: I do wonder about if I start another relationship with someone else would it upset her or make her feel her position is more justified because we are both doing it. She says the only dealbreaker for her is if I am not emotional available in our relationship.

Anita: I am glad to read your answers because I have felt that she is being a complete hypocrite saying that I am clinging and craving to our old monogamous relationship but she is craving and clinging to having a lover and not giving that up.

I have let her know that her having the affair is making it hard for me to stay but she says she doesn’t want to give it up to make me feel better as her feelings of love for him are real and she would be unhappy being with me without him and probably leave anyway.

Thanks so much for helping with working through this.